In Transition : Episode II

A blog on self-discovery and counting blessings.

Baby-making Journey : Ep. I August 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — hubbsnmoi @ 2:54 pm

I’m not too sure whether what I’m going to blog would benefit me in the future. But, I have to write it down, as this is part of my journey. As my tagline says – A blog on self discovery and counting blessings.

So, this is my journey and discovery.

I posted many times about me wanting to conceive. Since the miscarriage last November, I had tried supplements (EPO as prescribed by my gynae, and N*age & B*idadari) and also berurut (complete with jamu). Secara alternatif sudah, so I decided to approach my gynae. She gave us a deadline. If there’s no sign of pregnancy after our marriage hits the 1 year mark, only then she would start the treatment.

On 13th July 2009 – I visited my gynae, since I was EXTREMELY late for my period. But the pregnancy test was negative. Twice. Ye sangat frust. I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome), which was not a surprise because she had detected the same thing back when I was hospitalised for twisted cyst in December 2007. Twist ye, bukan ruptured. Back then, I didn’t care much about the effects. Yelah, orang kata kalau difikirkan selalu, nanti betul2 jadi kan? I guess I was in denial since then, which explains why I didn’t do much about it before.

After I have explained to her that prior to my period, I would I feel dizzy, nausea and everything else related to PMS or early signs of pregnancy, she asked me to did a blood test. She would call if there’s anything abnormal. In the meantime she puts me on Clomid, a fertility drug to induce production of telur-telur sihat dan matang. Sebak di hati bila dia kata, “we’re human afterall. some people dpt anak cepat, some have to wait. bersabarlah”. Menangis lagi ku di bilik gynae.

I had to take the pills from Day 2-Day 5 of my period. And.. me and hubby have to… you know just DO IT.  I had throbbing headache for the first few days I took the pill, couldn’t sleep well and hot-flushes at night. Every morning hubby bangun tido mesti selsema sebab malamnya buka aircond full-blast. And the WORST PMS ever. seriously. All the hormones.. sheeeshh..

Ok. Pill dah makan. Yang tu pun dah buat. Still no signs. So, continue for the second cycle. This time the dosage has been doubled. So I went back to the gynae, last Friday (21 August 2009). Sebab kedua nak jumpa adalah nak MC, senggugut di pagi hari. Heh. Risau juga, senggugut makin menjadi-jadi kebelakangan ini. Alhamdulillah, she didn’t detect any signs of endometriosis. Lega hati ini.

Tetapi…

The blood test result (yang buat masa previous visit) showed something else. There’s a high level of prolactin in my bloodstream. Prolactin is one of many hormones produced by the pituitary gland. Hah! betullah, it’s all in the HEAD (pituitary gland is located somewhere in the brain)! It is primarily responsible for milk production during lactation. Prolactin is a hormone usually found in mothers who are breastfeeding. High level of prolactine in normal woman can often cause absence or irregular period.

Patutla urut-urut belum ada juga. Makan itu makan ini pun begitu juga. Sebab tak jumpa punca nya di mana.  So, the doctor decided to normalize the prolactin level first, by prescribing me Bromocriptine – to suppress the production of prolactin. Tapi itu hanya boleh mula bulan Syawal nanti. In the meantime, I can continue taking Clomid, but for this second cycle only. After three months of taking Bromo, I have to come again for blood test, to check whether the prolaction level has decreased.

Kenapa lepas Syawal baru start, tak boleh ke sekarang? Sebabnya, Bromocriptine might make your blood pressure drop, you would feel dizzy easily. Jadi di bulan Ramadan ini, yg mana glukos level memang da sedia drop, eye-lid pun selalu drop, jadi lebih elok start Syawal nanti.

Sejurus saya mengucapkan terima kasih kepada gynae, air mata saya berguguran lagi.

Semua ini membuatkan saya merasa sangat sangat sangat kerdil. Allah maha kuasa, benda sekecil zarah, hormon hormon yang kita tak nampak dengan mata kasar – mempunyai fungsi yang sangat besar kepada kita kan? Saya rasa kerdil sebab rupanya banyak lagi yang saya belum tahu pasal diri saya. Dan apa yang saya alami ini memerlukan kesabaran yang tidak putus-putus. Doakanlah saya dan suami, agar sama-sama tabah, sabar dan kuat dalam menempuhi perjalanan sebelum dianugerahkan anak sebagai penyambung zuriat kami.

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Aku Tak Kecewa Pun

Filed under: Uncategorized — hubbsnmoi @ 10:55 am

Pada suatu hari, ketika dalam perjalanan ke suatu destinasi.

*****

Hubby : Kesian dia,  hari ni macam weak aja. Yelah, malam tadi kan dia dah kerja keras. Jadi, hari ini I would be gentle. I’ll go slow and easy je. Ok?

Me : Huh? Malam tadi? Saya nampak weak ke?

Hubby : I’m talking to the car. Kesian dia, semalamkan saya speed kat 2ndLink. Jadi hari ni bawa kereta relax2, ikut speed limit. Tak la strain the engine lagi.

Me : Hoookey (dalam hati : hmm. sangat empati terhadap kereta. Men!)

 

Tikus yang Mahu Menari August 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — hubbsnmoi @ 8:01 pm

Saya bekerja malam hari ini. Masuk pukul 1pm, pulang pada 10pm. Break pukul 7.15pm-8.15pm untuk dinner dan Maghrib. Esok bekerja seperti biasa, bermula pada pukul 8am. Aduh. Pustakawan Panda lah ku pada esok hari.

Tadi Hubby yang menghantar ku ke kerja (Terima kasih kerana melayan isterimu yang malas memandu seorang). Kami keluar 12.35tgh. Wah, aksi F1 jugalah di Jalan Skudai. Sampai sahaja di pejabat, bergegas masuk ke dalam. Di kepala ku sudah terbayang kerlingan bos yang pejabatnya terletak betul-betul di hadapan tempat ‘punch’. Sangat.Strategik.

Tambahan pula derap tapak kasut yang masih baru *ahem* agak kuat bunyinya. Yang pasti menarik perhatian sesiapa pun.

Dan ketika saya yang termengah-mengah hendak ‘punch’ lagi beberapa minit ke pukul 1 pm.. cuba teka (Guess what).

Bos saya bercuti pada hari ini.

Saya patut gembira. Tetapi saya berasa sangat sedih! Tidak, saya bukan workaholic atau anak emas!! Jauh sekali. Saya sedih sebab saya memang selalu bernasib kurang baik. Dia suka bercuti ketika :

1. Saya pun sedang bercuti.

2. Saya ada kelas untuk diajar pada petang nya. Jadi tak boleh ambil cuti setengah hari.

3. Saya bertugas di ‘desk’. Jadi tak boleh ambil cuti setengah hari.

Jarang dia bercuti apabila saya bekerja mod biasa. Sangat-sangat jarang. Memang saya ni ditakdirkan untuk bekerja bersungguh-sungguh dan tidak boleh berfoya-foya ketika bos tiada.

Haiz!

 

Fakta Lelaki III : Mereka ada perasaan August 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — hubbsnmoi @ 5:06 pm

… tetapi mereka rasa tidak macho sekiranya diluahkan.

Dan apabila perasaan itu tidak dapat diluahkan, mereka menjadi kecewa.

Kecewa itu berpunca kerana mereka tidak tahu bagaimana untuk menanganinya.

Bertanya atau mengadu akan menunjukkan mereka itu lemah, tidak boleh menanganinya sendiri.

Oleh itu, mereka akan menjadi diam. Tidak mahu diganggu. Diam, tetapi fikiran bercelaru. Berputar-putar mencari hala tuju.

Justeru wanita mula berasa ragu.

“Apa salahku?”

“Masak tidak sedapkah?”

“Terlupa belacan lagi kah?”

“Tidak sayang padaku lagi kah?”

Dan pelbagai persoalan bertalu-talu. (Jawapannya, tiada satu pun diatas)

Si lelaki sudah berserabut bermain dengan fikiran sendiri.

Wanita (yang suka ‘thinking out loud’) mula bertanya bertalu-talu pada lelaki yang sedang celaru.

Haru!

p/s: DIAM dan RUANG adalah ubat terbaik. Men have PMS too. Perasaan Moody (Ingin) Sendiri.

 

Getting Back on My (size 5 sometimes 6) Feet. August 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — hubbsnmoi @ 1:47 pm

Salam All. Sorry for the missing postings from my blog. Also, for not visiting yours either. I was bogged down with work, And I really mean DOWN. Motivation was down, and I was at the lowest point of my time.

Remember when I blogged about don’t get married in June? I think I should include July in it. HA HA.

Most of it was work related. And I would be lying not to admit that 30% of it was, related to.. ermm.. wanting to procreate.

Ok. let’s put the latter topic aside. I don’t want to sound ungrateful to what God has bestowed upon me. Perhaps this entry should reflect all the blessings behind it. Should I write a thankful list?

Anyway the blessing behind what happened to me in the past 2 months is, it allows me  to learn – I’ve learnt to work smart, and co-ordinate my subordinates, time and work efficiently. It was hard, BUT it provided me with the opportunity to LEARN. Through the hard way it is.

And to let ME know, and others too that I am human. And human make mistakes.Particularly this human, who prone to make catastrophic mistake when VIPs are involved. ha ha.

Did I say that I am currently ‘menanggung tugas’ one of my colleague who is on study leave? I have dua senarai tugas being displayed on my desk.

And I keep reminding myself, in these hard times I secured not only one job, but two. Double the work load, double the headache, and a third of colleague’s pay. I tried not to complain, as others are trying hard to find one and having to feed many mouths. While the mouths I have to feed are only hubby’s and mine.

I prayed to Allah to ‘murahkan rezeki kami’. And Allah did grant me with rezki(job and being paid), but Allah tested me by holding another rezki(baby) from me. For HE knows which is best for now. Perhaps to prepare us for our very first home which would be completed in the end of the year. Moving in, renovation etc which would cost us a bomb on our tiny savings. There, I did it again, complaining about the tiny savings. To have one is already  a good thing.

I prayed to Allah, ‘tabahkan hati kami dalam menghadapi dugaan dan cabaran dari Mu’. And Allah did make us tabah, but we wouldn’t know we are one if we’re not tested. left and right, right?

I thanked Allah for my husband, who would straighten me out – in his own way, whenever I was down and demotivated. The man who keeps challenging me to be tough and at the same time challenging my patience. Who trained me (and i’m still training) to be strong-willed, strong-minded, physically stronger by arm-wrestling with me.  The man who puts on a deaf ear and stoned heart when people start questioning the content of (or in my case lack of) my womb.

I thanked Allah for not allowing me to give up, to keep looking out for options after I was diagnosed with PCOS last month. I thanked Allah for giving me the means to be able to get the best gynae and the best medicine. Providing me supports in the form of my husband (who would remind me to eat the pills, and take note of ‘the day ‘and ermm.. and keep trying), my parents and siblings who withstand my emotional swings (too happy – husband at home; too moody – husband at work), and friends who understands the hardship, and provide me with endless advices, words of comfort and boxes of tissues.

I’m thankful that the Peases came up with Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Don’t Read Maps. The book made me laugh so hard.  It helped me to understand my husband better. Thus, making me less ‘kecik hati’ over ‘benda kecik tapi jadi besar sebab selalu terpengaruh emosi’ with him.

I was crying when I started typing this post, and towards the end, I feel so much better.

It feels great to be able to blog again.